March 31, 2014

The Health Rabbit Hole (Part 2): A Tale Of Two Retirements

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Money is only a side effect of a healthy life.

– JAMES ALTUCHER, best selling author

A few months ago a couple of my business partners flew in to Tampa to spend the week with me at my house. We were in the middle of expanding a couple current businesses and launching a new one so I figured a little face to face time would do us some good.

During that week my personal health lifestyle was on full display for all to see and seriously question the sanity of:

– My daily Magical Morning Shakes that I would rather starve than not have

– Steak and chicken being flown in overnight from the one farm in the world I trust to give me truly organic meat*.

– A chef showing up at the house to pick organic vegetables from my gardens and cook our meals

– Taking more supplements than Ray Kurzweil and Suzanne Somers combined … all at once

Say hello to my winter beard. Don’t make any sudden movements around it or it will destroy you.

– My wife making us fresh veggie juices every afternoon (my fave recipe courtesy of Drew “The Juice” Canole: 1/2 beet, 4 celery stalks, 1 cucumber, 1/2 granny apple, 1 knuckle ginger, 1 knuckle turmeric. I drink one daily and get angry if I miss a day.)

– Ranting about health and ragging on them whenever I knew they snuck out to go eat Taco bell

– Disappearing for 1-2 hours twice a day to exercise**.

About the fourth day in, as I was making a green smoothie, I noticed one of my partners (and very dear friend) was pacing back and forth in front of me with a super serious look on his face.

I knew from previous experience that one of two things was about to come out of his mouth: A multi-million dollar idea or a question about the essence of the universe. Either one was fine with me.

“Preston,” he said turning and facing me, “all these things you keep saying that are so bad for people … I eat all these things … and I feel great! What’s going to happen to me???”

To answer that question I present to you the following short story that I recently discovered in the back of my brain. I have no idea who put it there, but whoever it is, they’re crazy.

A Tale Of Two Retirements

Old age is no place for sissies.


Once upon a time there lived a man named R. Joe.

R. Joe was a regular guy. He lived a regular life, had a regular wife, and felt pretty at home with the rest of the human race on account of his regularity. His first name was literally Regular, but since he fancied himself special, as most regular people do, he shortened it to just “R” to keep it classy.

R. Joe lived a good clean life. He ate three square meals a day, exercised occasionally and didn’t overindulge in alcohol or black tar heroin.

He considered himself to be of average health. He got sick a couple times a year like everyone else, had high cholesterol and high blood pressure which was no big deal, but other than that? Regular.

Unfortunately things started slowly changing as he got older.

By the time R. entered retirement he had type 2 diabetes, poor hearing, macular degeneration, osteoarthritis, gout, urinary incontinence, depression, insomnia, osteoporosis, early stage Alzheimer disease, and aches and pains in thirty nine places with one new one showing up every single day.

His activities were limited to watching TV, driving too slow, hunching, and complaining.

R. Joe rarely talked or thought about his health throughout his life, but now it is all he talks or thinks about. In fact, his entire life now revolves around maintaining his rapidly deteriorating health. He has 22 medical doctors on speed dial and sees them more often than his grandkids. Him and his regular friends have a running bet on who can have the most heart attacks and live. So far Regular Joe is winning, which for him is a first.

Joe never invested any significant amount of money on preventive health care throughout his life. Now he is spending ALL his money on reactive health care.

He feels horrible most of the time.

He sits more than he stands.

He looks terrible.

He smells like a mothball.

He’s eventually confined to a nursing home because it takes an army of trained professionals just to keep him alive.

R. Joe has his third heart attack at age 72, loses the Heart Attack Bet and dies. His kids show up at the reading of the will and find that he has left them $300 in cash, $64,000 in unpaid medical bills, a $500 unpaid Heart Attack Bet Bill and a beat up ’97 Ford Pickup.

Everyone thinks this is all perfectly normal.

The End.

Ah dang it I forgot this is a tale of two retirements. I guess this means I have to keep writing. *sigh* The things I do for humanity.

One of R. Joe’s grandsons, A. (Amazing) Joe happened to be at the reading of the will and couldn’t help but notice everyone sighing and rolling their eyes. He decided right then and there that he wanted everyone partying and whistling at the reading of his will.

He decided to enter The Health Rabbit Hole.

A. Joe lived a health conscious life, always learning and experimenting with different ways of fueling and maintaining what he considered the #1 material asset in life: his own body.

He was always on the hunt for the truth about what the human body was truly designed to consume for optimal performance and longevity. He spent more money, time and energy on health maintenance than most, but he also had more money, time and energy in general as a direct result.

Amazing lived all the way up to the ripe old age of 92 when, finally, one cold November morning, he peacefully drifted …

into a decision to take up base jumping.

 Actual 92 year old base jumper giving all your
assumptions about old age the middle finger

You see, Amazing Joe was fit as a mofo. At 92 he felt like he was 32, lived like he was 22, and could beat you at arm, thumb, or Indian leg wrestling – take your pick.

He was rich, healthy, happy, horny, and looking forward to 10-20 more years on earth investing his money, going in to third world jungles to save lost tribes of dangerous people, and passing on his wisdom and wealth to his great great grandchildren.

He smelled fantastic.

He spent the exact same amount of time thinking and talking about his health now as he did his whole entire life because – and this is the important part so pay close attention – absolutely nothing had changed.

He continued to invest, save dangerous jungle people, patriarch his 132-unit family, and base-jump until he was 112 years old.

One day he took a power nap and started dreaming about achieving things. That dream morphed into a dream of him base jumping off the Statue of Liberty and landing in Jesus’ arms. A. Joe realized he was actually in Jesus’ arms and had died in his sleep.

He immediately started partying in heaven and drinking red wine that tasted like sex in a bottle with the 1.2 million people he had directly and indirectly helped while he was alive.

Back on earth, his family went to the reading of the will and partied and whistled.

The End For Real.

And now … a pop one-question-quiz.

1. When you hear the phrase “old age” what do you instinctively feel that inherently implies? Mentally circle all that apply. DO NOT CIRCLE DIRECTLY ON THE SCREEN. Sorry, but there was an incident on a previous quiz.

A. Decrepitude
B. Senility
C. Incompetence
D. Loneliness
E. Abstinence
F. Depression
G. Illness
H. Immobility
I. Sedentariness
J. Weakness

Mental pencils down.

Let’s see how you did.

If you mentally circled A, B, C, D, E, F or G or H or I you failed. The Matrix has you, and you’ll most likely be every single one of those letters when you’re old unless you do exactly what I tell you to do.

Oh, and if you circled J? You failed. Sorry.

Remember the story in Part 1 about my sixty-year-old doctor doing Iron Man competitions (2.4 mile swim followed by 112 mile bicycle ride, followed by full 26.2 mile marathon)? Well he’s actually sixty-five years old. He has no plans on stopping any time soon.

The 92-year-old base jumper? That’s a real person. That picture was him jumping off the stratosphere in Las Vegas. Think he’s an anomaly? Here’s another one … his twin brother apparently …

Here’s my point … one really good answer to my friends question of “what’s going to happen to me?” is “your life is going to suck worse and worse as time goes on, ending in one big ball of suck.”

People think that’s normal, and that’s because it is. But it doesn’t have to be.

Another really good answer is that at any point and time, including later today, anyone on earth can contract a life threatening, life ending or severely debilitating disease. And when it does? It will come out of nowhere when you are least expecting it.

This is nineteen hundred times more likely to happen to you than me.

Don’t think this could happen to you just like all the other millions of people who thought that and had it happen anyway? Let me tell you three more stories.

Story #1

Perfectly happy, very active 40-something-year-old father of three all of a sudden starts crapping his pants at random times when he’s nowhere near a toilet. The situation devolves into something no doctor on earth seems to know what to do about. He ends up with Crohn’s disease and has organs removed from his body. He switches to the exact diet I’m about to tell you about and is healed (minus an organ or two).

Story #2

Perfectly happy, extraordinarily active, 40-something-year-old father of two all of a sudden gets a pain in his stomach. Later that day he goes to the E.R. and finds he has a perforated colon and has to have it removed immediately.

Ever try living without a colon?

He’s currently wearing a bag and for the life of him can’t seem to figure out why this happened. I know exactly why this happened. It happened the same way these mice got tumors the size of golf balls eating the same things he’s been eating since around 1994:

“I will be reincarnated as a shark and have my revenge … “

He claims he “doesn’t eat that bad” and has no plans to change because diet is irrelevant. We’ll see how it works out.

Story #3

Perfectly happy, active, healthy looking 49-year-old father of three has a heart attack and dies. There are no changes he can make to fix this.

I know (knew) all three of these perfectly happy guys. This all happened in just the past year. And it all happened because of what they chose to put in their mouth on a consistent basis.

BUT … since we all have an immortality complex and just refuse to believe anything bad will ever happen to us, I’ll give you one final motivator that always seems to do the trick …



We’ve heard it said that how we do one thing tends to be how we do everything. But what we haven’t heard said is that by changing just one thing we can change everything.

Taking control of your taste buds and forcing them to endure things that don’t taste like cocaine-covered marshmallows has the following income-increasing effects:

– boosts confidence levels (“Wow. I just denied myself something. If I can do that … I can do anything.”)

– fosters self respect and self esteem

– increases natural non-caffeinated energy

– heightens awareness and cognitive function

– brightens emotional state

– elevates sexiness levels

All these things increase productivity, power, effectiveness, and as a side effect … income.

Having trouble making money? Try proving to your subconscious that you actually care about the body it inhabits and watch what it does for you in return. I triple dare you.

And now for the actual diet plan that revolutionized my health and will for you as well …

in my next blog post.

I meant to include it in this one I swear. But we’re at 1,800 words as of four words ago. This is turning into a book.

I swear I’ll tell you what to do soon. Health Rabbit Hole Part 3 coming up.

In the meantime, how long do you plan to live? Scream it out loud to the universe in a comment below. Your subconscious is listening. To help your decision you should know that, based on current medical developments, I personally know some very smart people basing their life plans assuming a 150-year lifespan.

And don’t forget to click the Facebook and Twitter icons to share the love with your friends!

 * Think your “free range” chicken from the store or local farm is good for you? Think again. (yes, the rabbit hole goes THAT deep)

** “That’s too much, Preston. You’re only supposed to do a brisk walk 30 minutes a day.” Seriously?  lol. 30 minutes a day never farmed a field or hunted down some animals. Think rationally. Question EVERYTHING you hear about health and assume it’s all wrong. Unless it’s on this blog.


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