March 13, 2014

The Health Rabbit Hole (Part 1): Enter At Your Own Risk

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It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.


The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life. Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat.


To keep the body in good health is a duty… otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.


“Ok, so what we’re going to do is draw about 500 milliliters of your blood, mix it with pure ozone, spike it with some glutathione and DMSO then introduce it back into your system. It’ll take about an hour or so,” said the disturbingly young looking 60-year-old man behind the desk.

Apparently he was running late for his 46th iron man competition and anxious to get me out of his office.

“This will bring all your inflammation down and balance out some of that stuff we found in your most recent blood work.”

“How much is this costing me again?” I asked.


You know, on my sixteen-year quest for optimal health and wellness I’ve often wondered if I would ever actually reach the end of the Health Rabbit Hole and see “just how far it goes”.

If this wasn’t it, then I decided right then and there it was time to climb out of this hole and head back to McDonalds.

Yes, the symbol on my wrist is an Illuminati birthmark


I’m sitting at McDonalds perfectly happy and unwittingly disease-ridden. The thought “maybe I should care about what I put into my body” has not once occurred to me in my 22 years on planet earth. If it tasted good, I ate it. If it didn’t, I didn’t. Period. End of story.

My body is like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don’t think about it, I just have it.


b arnold now

I get a text to my phone. This was sixteen years ago so I think this was the first text ever sent by anyone ever. I’m an early adopter.

I set my Big Mac down and read it:

I’m breaking up with you. Sorry.

Besides instantly foreseeing the doom of human relationships generally and intimate one-on-one communication specifically, I also come to an immediate completely illogical conclusion …

My big mac had somehow caused my breakup.

I mean, the Mac was in one hand, the phone was in the other … I don’t know how the Mac pulled it off, but it obviously did. Guilt by association. I was 22 years old and probably high on weed so remember this story when marijuana legalization comes up on your docket later this year like it is here in Florida.

After strolling by the checkout counter and announcing to the McDonald’s staff that I was breaking up with all of them, I stormed out. I was determined, not only to never eat at McDonalds again, but to get healthy.

The following is a diary of my journey from total health unconsciousness to a state of borderline immortality …

May 1998: I enter the Health Rabbit Hole confident that it is maybe two feet deep. Three tops.

Little do I know I’ve just taken the red pill and am about to get painfully unplugged from the Big Pharma / Big Ag Death-Matrix.

I determine to get so physically fit that no woman will ever dare leave me again. I start eating lunches and dinners at Boston Market fully convinced this is the healthiest thing anyone could possibly do.

Roasted processed chicken, a mashed potatoey looking substance, and macaroni & cheese-substitute. “A home cooked dinner!” I delude.

The thought, “this is going to be easy,” appears in my mind. I smile and agree totally.

August 1998: I realize a gym might have to be involved for some reason. I had heard of them, but never really knew what went on inside. I decide against it and instead start drinking 6 raw eggs and jogging every morning because that’s what Rocky Balboa did.

Why reinvent the wheel?

February 1999: I buy and read the book Body For Life by Bill Phillips. I have a major “Holy sh– I’ve Been Doing Everything Wrong” moment and immediately decide to become a body builder. I determine to put on 45 pounds of pure muscle for some insane reason that I come to regret approximately 45 pounds later.

March 1999: I go grocery shopping for the first time in my life. I pull the cart from the front with one hand because pushing it made me feel gay for some reason. Nothing against the gays, but personally I didn’t like the feeling. “Shopping carts are for women and the gays,” I decide. I think I still think that.

April 1999: I begin my new Body For Life diet as follows:

Breakfast: 12 conventional egg whites and two bowls of conventional oatmeal (“conventional” … read: “youaretotallyscrewedifyoueatthisregularly”

Lunch: 2 conventional chicken breasts and 2 conventional baked potatoes (ever try eating two baked potatoes? Every day?)

Snack: One EAS protein shake (conveniently owned by Bill Phillips) with conventional milk and two conventional bananas.

Dinner: A repeat of lunch

Snack: Another EAS shake

I eat these same exact meals 6 days a week for four years straight. You don’t even want to know what I ate on those 7th “Cheat” days. If you added up all those 7th Cheat Day calories it would be enough to sustain a small tribe of starving children in Africa for their entire lives.

Anyway, I could care less. My biceps are ¾ of an inch bigger than what they were just two months ago. I am at the pinnacle of health.

Side Note: “Cheat Days” are for losers. Anyone who says otherwise is completely unconcerned about their health, and you should ignore every other thing they say about life in general.

I mean think about it …1 day out of 7 is 15% of your life. You think 85% health food + 15% BIZARELY unhealthy food = 1 healthy human being? Does that equation work for anything else in life analogically speaking? If 85% of your computer code is good and 15% is bad how will your website look? If you fill your car up with 85% regular gas and 15% diesel on a regular basis, what do you think will happen?

Does the thought “well I’m still doing better than most” really comfort you? Most people are dying a fast death. Don’t compare yourselves to the worst; compare yourself to the best.

And even saying “15%” is being generous because everyone knows you eat twice the amount of calories on your cheat days than you do otherwise. So it’s really more like 28%.

72% purity + 28% poison = you suck

Google “cheat day myth” for further enlightenment.

February 2001: I realize I haven’t drunk water since I lived with my parents and they forced me to. I do some investigating and find out that, yes, you do indeed need to drink water to survive any significant length of time on earth.

I transition from a few sips of fluoridated, chlorinated, tap water a day to 8 bottles of random spring water. I immediately start peeing an amazing crystal clear stream as opposed to dark yellow. Often.

It takes ten years from this date for me to discover that plastic bottles are made with Bisphenol-A (BPA), which is a major endocrine disruptor that jacks your hormones to hell and back. I switch to glass bottled Mountain Valley Spring Water in 2011. It’s the most expensive bottled water in the world, but I fully expect to discover that there is something horrible about it in the next 10-20 years.

September 2002: I step on the scale and to my delight the needle sores all the way up to 225. I’ve officially achieved the stupidest goal ever written down on paper by a human being ever.

I have NO IDEA how hard it is going to be to lose this weight once I come to the realization that body builders are total morons and maybe some of the unhealthiest people on earth.

I can’t stop staring at myself in every mirror everywhere.

May 2003: I listen to an Anthony Robbins CD where he tells me my body is acidic and I need to PH balance it by eating these things called vegetables – specifically green leafy vegetables. If I don’t do this I’ll get cancer and die soon.

I immediately obey his every command even though I don’t want to and am specifically saying “no Preston, do not do this. Vegetables suck. You’re going over the edge here.”

Then I remember that the CD program is called “Get The Edge,” and it all makes sense.

I stop at the nearest health food store, order a double shot of wheatgrass and puke in the bathroom (true story). I suggest starting with a single.

January 2004: I get the flu, as I used to at least twice a year thinking it perfectly normal. A friend asks me a question that genuinely baffles me:

“Preston, if you’re so healthy, which you never stop saying you are … why do you think you get sick so often?”

This makes me feel genuine rage toward this friend, and I consider unfriending him right then and there in person. Facebook hasn’t been invented yet, but I picture something similar in my head and I mentally click the “unfriend” button without telling him.

April 2006: I read The Maker’s Diet by Jordan Rubin and immediately regret it.

I realize that all the meat I’ve been eating my whole life has been pumped full of hormones and antibiotics that make their way into my body and cause disease. I immediately understand why people look so different now compared to a century ago.

NFL Players in the 1930’s

NFL Player Today. If this is progress, I vote for regress.

All the fruits and vegetables I’ve been consuming since birth have been saturated in poisonous pesticides created by the same company that manufactured Agent Orange for the Vietnam War. In case you’re not familiar with that, let’s just say it didn’t turn out good for the soldiers.

I catch my first glimpse of the infinitude of the Health Rabbit Hole. “Organic” enters my vocabulary and my grocery bills immediately triple. Apparently it costs more to not have someone f%$# with your food.

October 2007: I unfortunately get invited to a friend’s house whose son is a professional raw food chef. He cooks us a raw food dinner that somehow tastes just as good as the worst meal at Carraba’s. And I mean that in a good way. As in … “worst for you … so best tasting.”

He proceeds to educate us all on the benefits of eating raw foods. Although my fingers are in my ears semi-silently singing “la la la la la … ” to drown out this unsolicited knowledge it mostly still gets in my mind somehow. I think he was also a psychic communicating telepathically.

Apparently cooking vegetables strips the nutrients right out of them. Now not only do I have to eat vegetables, but I have to eat them raw which takes longer to consume and tastes even worse which I didn’t think was possible.

I dutifully add raw vegetables into my daily diet, which – although it sounds like it’s getting healthy – is still terrible, as I’m soon to find out.

3 Days Later: I get the flu

June 2008: A friend of mine tells me about juicing. This strikes me as potentially the greatest invention of all time. “Get all my vegetables in a few gulps?” I’m all in.

I buy the most expensive juicer on the market, purchase $400 worth of organic vegetables, realize how much of a pain in the ass it is to make a juice and quit immediately.

July 2008: I find out there are health food stores that will make these juices for you. I start getting them there.

August 2008: Flu. “F%#!”

December 2009: I get “introduced” to veganism. I immediately reject it for two reasons …

1. I don’t join cults in general.

2. Almost but not everyone I know who is a vegan looks like they are two steps from death and is totally annoying. No offense if you’re a vegan, but, if you are, post a picture of yourself in a comment below and talk a little so everyone can understand what I’m talking about. And I challenge you to get your blood work done. It will be JACKED. That’s a promise.

July 2010: After having 17 consecutive girlfriends tell me I have A.D.D. and suggest medication, I decide to study brain health. “It’s part of my body too I guess.”

Long story short, this leads me across the country to spend 3 days with Dr. Amen having my brain analyzed via FMRI technology.

This is a healthy brain …

“I feel good”

 This was my brain …

“I am currently hallucinating”

See all those holes? Each one of those is a different rave I went to when I was a teenager.

The divot in the frontal cortex? That’s called brain damage (from a childhood accident).

Anyway I got a holistic treatment plan from the clinic and I never heard anyone mention the term A.D.D. to me again. So I guess it worked.

May 2011: I get referred to probably the most evolved, genius, natural health practitioner in current Western and Eastern civilization (why north and south don’t get civilizations I’ll never know). He has a doctorate in biochemistry, another doctorate in nutrigenomics, and yet another doctorate in human nutrition. He’s the youngest person to ever teach at Harvard University. His client list reads like a Who’s Who list of Who’s Who lists.

We start off by him telling me to submit blood samples, urine samples, saliva samples and a check for like a million dollars or something; I can’t remember the exact amount. I am determined to reach the pinnacle of health and stop getting the flu. This is a small price to pay in my mind.

August 2010: The results of my tests come in. Apparently this was no ordinary blood test where you get one or two pages of “here’s your cholesterol, blood count, and blah blah whatever.” He handed me a 50 page report that looked like it was created by the CFO at G.E. There were graphs.

“Preston, you are low in Vitamin E, D, C, and A through Z. Your free testosterone would seem to imply you are about 95 years old, your liver is toxic, and your adrenals are pretty much flat-lined. If I were to just look at your adrenal test without knowing you I would literally guess I was looking at a dead man’s report. You also have a severe allergy to dairy, a severe allergy to the milk protein casein, and a moderate allergy to eggs. Have you been eating these your whole life?”

“Yes,” I admitted. “But I’ve never had any symptoms.”

“Well it would cause inflammation, which is a silent killer, clouded thinking, depression, A.D.D., joint pain, flu susceptibility … have you ever had any of those?”

Hear me clearly now because this is the whole point of this post …

12 YEARS into the Health Rabbit Hole, and this is how far I had got!

Nutrient depleted, testosterone deficient, hormone imbalanced, liver intoxicated (there’s a reason for this that has nothing to do with alcohol I swear), a burned out adrenal system, and a body riddled with inflammation from eating foods I’m allergic to.

BUT … and this is a big but … unbeknownst to me, my train had just arrived at Expert Status Station. You know, the whole 10 years / 10,000 hours = expert status thing. I’m a slow learner so it took 12 for me.

This was my Payoff Point, as I like to call it as of 2 seconds ago. It’s like a Tipping Point but the exact same and with a better name. All my hard work, studying, experimenting and, most importantly, seeking paid off.

By doing exactly what this genuine health guru genius told me to do, I officially brought my body into that elusive state of homeostasis. I’ve only been sick once since then (and that was only because I broke my own rules), and my blood work currently makes conventional doctors scratch their heads and question what they’re doing with their lives. It. Is. FLAWLESS.

Want proof?

Yes, my first name is Roger. The secret is out. Roger Preston Ely. Now ya know.


See that cholesterol? That’s eating red meat every. single. day. Don’t believe the hype.


“Your PSA indicates you have the prostate of a 21 year old.” – My Genius Health Guru

I sleep 8 hours every single night.

I have boundless energy.

You  can count all my abs but only with a calculator or you’ll lose track.

I’m never tired. Not even when it’s time to be tired.

I don’t take medicine.

I’m never sick and would rather unfold a paperclip and stab myself in the bellybutton than get a flu shot.

I feel freaking fantastic. People do cocaine to try and feel as good as I feel first thing in the morning.

Would you like to know exactly what this health guru genius told me to do that brought me to a state of near-perfect health?

Would you like me to save you 12 years?

I’m going to tell you …

in my next blog post.

I’m also going to tell you why you should care about your health in the first place and explain it’s effect on what you really care about … WEALTH.

I made a decision to completely cut out drinking and anything that might hamper me from getting my mind and body together. And the floodgates of goodness have opened up to me – spiritually and financially.


Stay tuned.

In the meantime, tell me about your journey down the health rabbit hole in a comment below. Was it anything similar to mine? The lesson I’ve learned so far is “there is always something new to learn, and you NEVER arrive.” What lesson have you learned?

And don’t forget to click the Facebook and Twitter icons to share the love with your friends!

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