The Need For Speed: Slow People Taste Like Chicken
In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed.
– RALPH WALDO EMERSON
Life is picking up speed. – JEFF BRIDGES, actor
“Why are you flying around the kitchen so dang fast?” my wife meowed lazily from her comfortable cat-like position on the couch.
“Are you training for some sort of dishwashing race or something? Relax. There’s no trophy at the end of this. You’ve giving me anxiety.”
I really hate doing the dishes. I only do them when I lose bets with my wife Ashley — or Cat Woman as I call her — or the maids have called in sick.
How do four maids all get sick at once? I smell a conspiracy.
It’s not (only) that I think I’m too good to do dishes, it’s just that I can’t shake the unnerving feeling that I could be making $20,000 or uncovering the secrets to the universe in the time it takes to do them.
What makes it especially irksome is Cat Woman has this disease where she can’t stop herself from indulging in compulsive sideline commentary that makes me want to accidentally drop dishes on purpose. It’s similar to Tourette syndrome except there’s no medicine for it that I’ve found yet.
“Babe … I gotta get this done,” I growled. “I have things to do. Would you like a bowl of milk so you can shut up? Because I can throw you one real quick.”
“It’s 10 p.m.,” she hissed sarcastically. “You’re going to bed after this.”
“Exactly. I need to hurry up and get there.”
After stretching for a little over a minute she pounced up off the couch and purred, “Let me show you what you look like. And you pretty much look like this all day every day no matter what you’re doing.”
I took her place on the couch and sat back knowing something really funny was about to happen. Any time my wife is mocking me it’s sure to be good entertainment. She’s really good at it.
What followed was one of those very rare and precious moments where you see yourself clearly mirrored by another person, gain priceless insight into yourself, and then want to either sell the mirror on the black market to the very first bidder or cast it into outer space like superman did with the 4 evil villains in the original movie.
It. Was. Hilarious.
She was marching around the room at a cartoon-characterically high speed, which I instinctively knew was still slower than me.
Cupboards were all thrown open, left open, and then slammed shut randomly.
The sink water was left running the entire time to save the hassle of having to turn it on or off intermittently (so smart, I realized).
There was fire in her eyes. “That’s hot,” I thought.
“Babe, honestly? You’re kind of turning me on here. You look like the Tasmanian Devil’s girlfriend in that one episode. I think maybe you should act like me more often. who is domain owner . If nothing else we would get more accomplished as a unit.”
She stopped and looked at me, almost out of breath.
“How do you do this?” she panted. “How do you live your whole life like this? And why?”
It’s not the big that eat the small … it’s the fast that eat the slow. – Jason Jennings, bought his first radio station at age 21
The Law Of Supersonic Speed that I just made up states that the more people think you move comically fast, the more you’re probably moving at the right speed. And the more successful you will be in general.
Your job is to be The Road Runner in a world full of Wile E Coyotes.
If we were to put this into an equation, it would look like this:
personal speed + most people being slow = you becoming wealthier than everyone else on the planet and them wishing they had your car
The faster you move, the more you get done. So if you’re not moving fast, you have to stop and ask yourself, “do I really want to accomplish anything? Or am I just fooling myself?”
You need to do everything you do that is work or self improvement-related at a dizzyingly fast pace.
There is a time to relax, and it’s usually not now.
If you are not tormented by the tragedy of there being only 24 hours in a day, and you’re just like “hey, I don’t care how many hours there are,” then you need prayer. I’m actually going to stop this article right now and ask everyone to take a moment and pray for you.
[prayer time: 1 second]
When you wake up in the morning, your first thought should be, “well thank God that’s over; let’s get back to it!”
To the degree you’re wishing you could keep sleeping, you have no purpose – plain and simple. There is a Game Of Life; you’re in it, and you’re losing.
And I sympathize with you if that’s you; I really do.
I remember when I first started down the road of self-improvement listening to a John Maxwell audio where he talked about how he woke up every morning excited to see what great things he was going to make happen that day.
I couldn’t relate to that even a little bit. I woke up every morning dreading to see what terrible things were going to happen to me that day. I couldn’t even imagine feeling how he said he felt in that audio. I thought he was lying to be quite honest.
But he wasn’t. Now I feel that very same way.
And I feel it fast.
Your time on earth is limited, and much is expected of you. People’s lives depend on you getting your act together. This is not just about you.
You need to learn, love, give, and accomplish as much as you possibly can in the short number of days that has been allotted to you.
Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
– KING DAVID
Get ready in the morning … fast.
When you fast from eating? Fast fast.
[3:32 pm] Hang on I gotta go to Starbucks real quick.
[3:37 pm] Ok, I’m back.
Read this blog post and everything else you read fast.
You see these pinwheels?
OK good, I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.
If I was a pinwheel — and sometimes I wish I were — I would be the one on the right. With no wind.
See how boring those other two lazier pinwheels look?
No one will want to play with you if you’re not moving fast.
Act like you have somewhere to be and something to do at all times. Better yet, have somewhere to be and something to do at all times.
Like this penguin for instance …
See those other losers in the background? They’re going to get way less fish that day. And their chances of procreating are about a tenth of that purposeful penguin. He’s probably on his way to get some sardines and a wife right this very second from the looks of it.
Things like “sitting down,” and “not pacing at all times,” and anything involving a TV should be really difficult for you to endure.
“Why, Preston? Why should these things be difficult to endure? I do all those things and feel pretty good about it.”
Well for one reason …
The life you have built for yourself is just one minor mistake or tragedy away from completely falling apart.
That’s not negative; that’s reality.
We are all skating on thin ice as Emerson says.
Speed skaters survive.
“This ice could turn to shark-infested lava and I would still skate over it. That’s how fast I am.”
Everyone at the Rockefeller Ice Center coasting casually before the Greek God Prometheus … doesn’t.
“hhmmm … this ice patch here in front of the big bronze idol seems like a good spot to skate aimlessly in front of.”
You can’t afford to take it easy. Things are changing too rapidly. Life is moving too fast. You can either move with it or get run over and left behind. Take your pick.
And life doesn’t care whether you like it or not. It will destroy you regardless.
Unless you keep it moving.
“You have to keep moving. Movement is life.”
– BRAD PITT, World War Z
Find a reason to live that inspires you to move. It exists. The faster you find it the better.
Recommended Reading: “It’s Not The Big That Eat The Small … It’s The Fast That Eat The Slow.” – Jason Jennings
Ancient Wisdom To Memorize: “With blinding speed and power he destroys the strong, crushing all their defenses.” – the prophet Amos in reference to God
Affirmation: I do everything fast.
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